I am certain of very few things in this
life. Probably so few as I can count
them on one hand, if I needed too. The
one thing that I am certain of is that I need Jesus. I need him like I need air to breathe. Jesus is a vital necessity for me. One of the other things that I am certain of
is that I need to have God and the Holy Spirit in my life as well. I can’t have one without having the other
two.
I had walked this life for many years
having a knowing that there is a God and that he loves me but not knowing that
I could have a personal relationship with God.
Now that I know this, I crave it, I seek for it, and I hunger for
it. If I go to long without speaking to
God and spending time with him I feel like there is something missing from my
body.
My relationship with God comes before
any other relationship in my life. This
is the number one most important thing in my life. My relationship with God overrides my relationship
with my Mother, my friends and even boyfriends.
It is more important than my job or any material possession I may
acquire.
God is my everything and I try to tell
him that throughout my every day. It has
taken me some time to get to this understanding of how deeply I need God in my
life, but I am so thankful that I am there.
My path to finding God is a familiar
path, but unique to me. My understanding
of how desperate I am to have Jesus reveals itself to me daily. I am never finished learning the desire I
have and deep need I have to know God intimately. This comes after many years of trying to
understand what was missing within me.
I have struggled with self-esteem issues
all of my life. I have had moments of
wanting to end my life, moments of loving my life and many moments of
uncertainty in between. I have lived a
life that is all too common of a story now of sexual abuse, mental abuse, physical
abuse, abandonment and rejection.
My life is a series of bad mistakes that
were made for me and many bad mistakes I made for myself. But I know and have no doubt that the best
decision I ever made happened in my early twenties watching a Joyce Meyer
program and accepting Jesus into my life.
I had been searching for something that was missing. There was no amount of alcohol, drugs, sex,
food, money or possessions that could fill what was missing inside of me.
I wasn’t raised in a God focused home
but I knew that God existed and I knew that I believed in him, he just wasn’t
topic of conversation in my home. I
began searching for something to fill this sadness that was inside of me. I was searching for a way to feel loved and
accepted, a feeling I never had growing up.
Outside of my relationship with my Grandmother, I never felt loved unconditionally
and I wanted that feeling so badly.
I craved safety and security because I
never had those things growing up. I
craved a life that gave me purpose for being alive. I have always had a knowing that the
horrible things that happened in my life happened for a reason, and that I
would someday, hopefully, be able to help someone else heal from their
brokenness.
When I found God, you know because he
was hiding from me, but when I found him I felt a sense of understanding and
healing but it wasn’t enough for me and I didn’t understand why for many
years. What I now know is I tried to
put God into my box and not live inside of his.
I was saved, yes, I loved God, yes but I didn’t feel any overwhelming
sense of completion or freedom that I kind of thought I would feel. I actually felt the same.
Fast forward many years and here I was
again trying to figure out what was wrong with me. What am I missing? I had another failed relationship and was
having a very hard time dealing with the break up and a friend started to talk
to me more in detail about God. I
started watching television programs and casually reading books based on God’s
word. I was also attending counseling to try and
heal from the trauma of my childhood.
One of the other things I know for
certain is, God won’t force himself on you and he will only go as deep with you
as you want him to go. I was having a
very surface relationship with God for many years, which is why I never felt
different. Which is why I never felt
healed on the inside. I was, and still
am to a point, carrying around the pain of my life.
I decided that I was going to actually have a relationship with God, a personal me and God relationship. I was going to go deeper and try to figure out why this isn’t changing me. I’ve seen the changes in other people but why not for me. I made a commitment internally to myself that I was going to know God. I was going to understand him the best I can and have him understand me.
I can’t tell you that I am fully healed,
I can’t tell you that I walk without any problems, I can’t tell you that my
life is perfect or that I have all that I need.
I can’t say that I don’t cry from things either going wrong in my life
or not happening at all in my life. I
can’t tell you that I never sin and I can’t tell you that I am 100% complete in
my transformation.
BUT here is what I can tell you. I am loved. I am worthy. I am valued. I am a person with a purpose. I am proud of who I am becoming. I am kinder. I am more patient. I am more loving. I am forgiving. I am a better friend. I am a better daughter. I am a better co-worker. I am a better girlfriend. I will be a better wife, when that happens and I will be a good mom, when that happens as well. I have love for people I never had before. I have empathy for people I never had before. I am a blessed person. I am highly favored. I am victorious. I have a hope I never knew before. I am God’s child and I am in love with God.
I am sharing this with you today because
maybe somehow you stumbled across this blog and you too are having doubts,
fears or are searching for something more to your life than what it is. I want you to know that the thing you are
searching for is God.
We are created to be connected and to be
connected to God. We desire to have that
connection with the one who created us.
I am not going to tell you that your life will instantly change, maybe
for you it could, but it didn’t for me.
I had to put as much effort into knowing God as I do into knowing a
friend. But the difference here is its
100% reciprocated from God. You give to
him and he will give you back more.
Jesus says in John 6:35 that he is the
Bread of Life. He who comes to me will
never be hungry, and he who believes in and cleaves to and trust in and relies
on Me will never thirst any more.
This doesn’t mean that you won’t feel
physically hungry or physically thirsty.
What this means is that feeling of not being connected to something
bigger and stronger than you. That
feeling of being hopeless and always looking for something to satisfy you, that
feeling will be quieted by knowing Jesus.
There is a God size hole in everyone
walking around who does not know the Lord and his goodness. I am telling you today that I am living proof
that having a relationship with God will change the way you live your life. It’s not something to be afraid of and it’s
not something to be taken lightly.
This relationship should be the
relationship you value above anything else in your life and if you do as Jesus
has instructed us to do, in John 6:35 you will see a change in your life. You will see who you are today and who you
are after you dedicate your life to God and wonder why didn’t I make this
decision years ago. I know I do!!
If you haven’t accepted Jesus into your
life here is a simple prayer that you can read out loud right now and take the
first step in changing your life.
Dear Father
Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for the sacrifice Jesus made, for
me, on the cross. Thank you Lord for
sending your one, unique son, to die so that I may have life, for eternity,
with you, in Heaven. Lord, I believe
that you sent your son to die on the cross for me. To shed his blood for me, so that my sins are
forever more forgiven and forgotten. I
ask you God to come into my life and change me Lord. Send your Holy Spirit to come and live in me
and change me from the Inside out. I
commit my life to you God and I thank you that my name is now written in the
Lambs Book of Life. I thank you God that
I am now yours and you are now mine, and I am never walking alone in this
life. I ask for all of these things in
Jesus’ Name. Amen.
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